By Emma Specter

With Hanukkah already here and Christmas just around the corner, it’s time to truly buckle down and start making our lists, checking them twice, et cetera. As a holiday person, nothing brings me more joy than trying to find the perfect gifts for my loved ones. But there is one group (or rather, gender) that’s always stumped me in my present-picking: men.

I abhor gender essentialism as much as the next normal person, but unfortunately, it really has been my experience that men are hard to shop for (and of course, women be shopping). Somehow 99% of the women and nonbinary people in my life are a delight to purchase gifts for, while the men—cis and trans alike—remain a cipher. As a queer woman, I’m not used to spending much of my time trying to figure out what men want—and yet, every Chrismukkah I find myself pondering the same question: How do I captivate the whimsy of the men in my life without going bankrupt?

I was thrilled when I discovered whiskey stones, which seemed like the obvious solution. For years, every men’s magazine and website seemed to tout them as the ne plus ultra of gifts for men—modern and innovative yet macho-retro enough to make them feel like Hemingway. Imagine my disappointment then, when I learned that men don’t actually want whiskey stones. Actually, it’s possible that nobody does, regardless of their gender, as New Yorker writer Helen Rosner demonstrated in her 2019 gift guide: “I took a sip, frowned, waited five minutes, and sipped again. The tequila remained room temperature. I recalled the laws of thermodynamics, and realized the truth about whiskey stones: Despite their striking geometry, they are entirely pointless. I frowned again, and drank my glass of room-temperature tequila, which had rocks in it.”

Perplexed, I sought advice from the trusted men in my life – among them were my father, my partner (who wished to be known as a “transmasculine king”), and several friends who entertained my frantic “What do you want for Christmas?” queries – to tell me whether they even desired whiskey stones and if not, the gifts they truly coveted for Christmas. Here are their responses:

“What on earth is a whiskey stone?”

Actual wished gift: “I don’t want anything.”

“My favorite drink is a martini, though I do savor a whiskey with a well-chosen ice cube occasionally. However, I think I would misplace the whiskey stones somewhere in my home.”

Actually desired gift: Prada loafers

“I get the idea of whiskey stones, so as not to dilute the taste of what I’m drinking, but the name alone makes me think more of passing stones than using them to marginally improve my enjoyment of brown liquor. So no, I don’t need them.” 

Actually desired gift: Those Instagram-friendly tennis candles

“Admittedly not a big whiskey guy, but I have to say this would disappoint me as a gift. Whiskey stones have always felt like a comically gendered ‘safe’ thing.” 

Preferred gift option: “A spa day or a massage would be far more appealing than items that amplify my sophisticated drinking habits.”

“Purchasing these would most likely result in me causing some damage with them, and then consuming whiskey with an absence of the stones to assuage my remorse.”

Preferred gift option: Tickets for a Kylie Minogue concert in Vegas

Consequently, it appears the decision is unanimous: Men are not fond of whiskey stones, for various legitimate reasons. What will I find out next? That women don’t actually desire luxurious hand creams in their Christmas stockings? (Well, too bad, because I have acquired a surplus of high-quality hand cream and I intend to persistently recommend it to everyone, regardless of their gender. Happy holidays!)