As we near election night, I can’t help but recall a memorable moment from the film Airplane!, featuring Lloyd Bridges as a beleaguered air traffic controller who exclaims, “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.”

Once the polls close, there’s little that any of us can do—at least those of us who respect the law—except to offer a prayer and ponder what we’ll have for dinner. While no individual may have the influence to ensure that we wake up to a democracy come Wednesday, we certainly wield almost dictatorial control over our election night feasts.

Unlike the Super Bowl, which, in our household, is always celebrated with hot dogs heaped with melted cheese and onions, there are no established rules about the food that fuels us through election night.

One thing I know for sure, though: I won’t repeat the blunder of Steve McCroskey, Lloyd Bridges’s character in Airplane!, who lamented just before his glue comment, “Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up drinking.”

My friend Howard perfectly expressed what many of us were feeling when he posted in our group chat regarding our dining plans for election night, saying, “We’re mainly focused on the drinks for now. Definitely vodka with lemon and as an alternative we’re thinking arsenic.”

I have a strong hunch that as the evening unfolds and the results roll in, I might need to switch to straight shots. Although I usually prefer brown spirits during the fall months, the unusual warmth has me considering sticking with vodka like Howard. Nevertheless, I recognize the importance of pacing myself, so I’ll likely begin my evening with whatever drink I choose served on the rocks.

However, the food menu presents a bit of a challenge. While I take great pride in my patriotism, I don’t feel compelled to serve dishes in red, white, and blue themes. My brother Peter is preparing chateaubriand—he hadn’t yet decided if it would be sirloin or filet the last time we spoke—along with béarnaise sauce. Unfortunately, he’ll be watching the results from his home in Wyoming, which offers limited takeout options, so I won’t question his culinary choices.

To me, chateaubriand feels like a bit too much. It’s also quite expensive. I had thought about simply grilling a steak. But the key to successful grilling is to remember that you’re cooking; otherwise, you could find your dinner charred to a crisp. When the polls close in Florida and Georgia at 7 p.m., followed by North Carolina at 7:30, my civic duties will undoubtedly have me glued to my seat in front of the TV, while I use my computer to check the results for the House and Senate races.

I won’t be able to focus on flipping a steak if I’m caught up in the ups and downs of Kamala Harris’s election results. My brother James, who lives in New York City and has access to endless takeout options, has the culinary enthusiasm of a young child — even to this day, he flat out refuses to try fish due to its smell and only occasionally eats vegetables. He’s decided on Indian cuisine for the evening.

“I think I’ll order a seekh kebab from the Indian spot just down the street,” he texted me. “And if the mood strikes me, I might enjoy a cigar while tuning into CNN and NY1.”

The thought of having a cigar hadn’t crossed my mind before, and I’m not typically a cigar smoker, but if it seems like Kamala Harris is headed toward an impressive victory, I’ll certainly entertain all sorts of creative ways to celebrate.

To clarify, I was already leaning toward Indian food prior to my younger brother suggesting it. The more I mull it over, the more appealing it becomes. Hudson Curry House is a reliable Indian restaurant in Hudson, NY, where I’ve dined before and likely will again on election night. Plus, the fact that it requires a drive adds another benefit. The trip will serve as a welcome distraction as night falls and help channel some of that nervous energy I’m sure to have.

Chicken korma, a delectable dish featuring chicken in a rich almond cream sauce, is my favorite comfort food at Hudson Curry House. However, I’m considering pairing it with a variety of appetizers to help balance the large quantity of drinks that may be consumed as the evening progresses.

Whether he wins or loses, it’s likely that Donald Trump will announce his victory at some point that night, assuming he hasn’t already claimed it. If he has, I might find myself tucked in bed with the blankets pulled up, likely indulging in a sedative or two.

But let’s not focus on the worst possible outcomes. Throughout my ever-expanding life, I’ve discovered that no matter the circumstances, dessert tends to make everything better.

My brother Peter has been trying his hand at creating a mocha roll, but that’s a bit too ambitious for my taste. Fortunately, I have a collection of sweets stashed in my freezer — cakes and chocolates freeze wonderfully — along with a fresh box of Mallomars in the pantry. Regardless of what political system Americans choose, life is undeniably sweet when you’re enjoying a marshmallow and graham cracker cookie enrobed in rich dark chocolate.

Ralph Gardner, Jr. is a journalist balancing his time between New York City and Columbia County. You can discover more of his writing by visiting his Substack.

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