“Obviously no added sugar.” That phrase, printed on the box for Kylie Jenner’s new brand of canned vodka sodas, Sprinter, perplexed me. Obviously no added sugar? First of all, Ms. Jenner, do not assume you know what I am thinking. Being spoken to as if I am a child makes me irate; I worked hard for these forehead lines and dark circles! Sure, I may have a stunning, youthful glow despite them, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to be scolded for a conclusion I haven’t even made in the first place. I picked up this crate of eight canned vodka sodas two seconds ago, and already I’m getting a playful slap on the wrist? If it weren’t my job to taste these things, the box would’ve gone back on the shelf.
Alright, that’s a lie. I have been dying to get my hands on some Sprinters since Jenner announced the brand earlier this month. If there is one thing I’ve always admired about the Kardashian-Jenner oligarchs, it’s their keen eyes for branding. Whether the products they make are good is of…some concern to me, of course—look at the article you’re reading!—but I’m far more fascinated by how those things will be marketed. Take, for instance, Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS shapewear and undergarment brand: I don’t wear shapewear, but if I did, I’d be inclined to buy it from the woman who made a cheeky, irreverent ad about some of her bras having visibly protruding nipples.
I love the textured glass bottles of Kourtney Kardashian’s line of supplements and vitamins. I adore the fact that Khloé Kardashian had to incorporate her denim line (that is definitely not a money laundering front) into an ad she did for migraine pills. I worship the ghastly label of Kendall Jenner’s equally frightful tequila, simply because the design is so memorable. Whether the Kardashians and Jenners could be considered “artists” in the traditional sense is up for heavy debate, but they are certainly sculptors of their own relevancy. Fame is an art form, just like painting, music, or, well, I suppose even writing. I’ll have to delicately caress my reflection in a mirror to process that, but I’ll do it later.
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Sprinter is an excellent example of the Kardashian-Jenner knack for branding. Despite the apparent absence of added sugar, its appeal remains strong. This time, the appeal generated by the stunningly crafted Sprinter packaging is equally matched by the exquisite taste and texture of the cocktail itself, down to the very feel of the can. Contrary to 818 Tequila, Charter Harrison penned in an article for The Daily Beast’s Obsessed, a hyper sweet drink, Sprinter strikes a nice balance and is a pleasure to drink. Kendall, watch out, for your younger sister’s liquor might be hot on your heels. correctly noted
The top feature of Sprinter has nothing to do with its taste or look. The most ingenious approach by the team was to launch this drink promptly and extensively, ensuring availability to anyone eager to try upon its official release on March 21. This is not something that can be said for a certain pop star, whose delicious spritzes only recently arrived in New York, nearly nine months after their initial launch! A few taps on the official site’s store locator led me to a liquor store seven subway stops away. Little did they know how determined I was just to get a taste of Sprinter. delicious spritzes store locator
In store, it’s clear that the main distinction between sprinter and other canned cocktails is not its ingredients, boasting real fruit juice, premium vodka, sparkling water, and no added sugar, but its design. The packaging is sleek and vibrant, yet admirably straightforward. Each can has a set of pastel colors corresponding to its respective fruit flavor, complemented by bold, darker text from the same color family for easy identification, even from afar. It virtually glows in the dark! The “I” in “Sprinter” is punctuated by a shooting star, giving the product a unique symbol to distinguish it from the competition.
The branding, once again, is outstanding. I’d much prefer this to any White Claw variant, which I find distasteful. It’s just a matter of personal taste! While I appreciate visual aspects, I am also drawn to quality construction.
An eight-pack of Sprinter doesn’t run cheap.
Speaking of the Big Claw, which still keeps its satanic grip over twentysomethings all over the world, let’s compare the two brands on a base level before we get into taste. Your average eight-pack of White Claws, either vodka sodas or the standard spiked seltzers (which, here’s a flash, are basically the same thing), will run you somewhere between $15 and $20, depending on where you live. Sprinter is priced about the same, but the eight-pack I bought cost me about $25 before tax. That’s not exactly cheap, but there’s no accounting for taste, and you will look 16 times hotter holding a Sprinter than you will gripping a White Claw. Both the White Claw vodka sodas and the Sprinters are 100 calories each and 4.5% alcohol by volume, so you might as well choose the one that will make other people feel bad about themselves while you sip mysteriously in the corner of a party, making them say, “Who’s that girl/boy/really stylish Weimaraner?”
As for the taste, Sprinter has the Claws beat there too. The brand’s first wave of flavors includes black cherry, lime, peach, and grapefruit—pretty standard stuff in the realm of canned cocktails. I tried the peach first, and was immediately shot back in time and had my spine cracked against a concrete wall, recalling the dark ages spent consuming Bud Lite Peach-A-Ritas at the age of 20. The scent profile is nearly identical, but the taste of the Sprinter is, expectedly, far more subtle than the malt liquor sludge that shaved a few years off my life. The drink is peachy, but not insistently so. It’s hard to make a decent flavored beverage out of any stone fruits, so to drink this without retching is already a point in Jenner’s favor.
Next up were the lime and the grapefruit. The lime is one of the best of the bunch, just acidic enough to avoid becoming cloying. Lime is, excuse my pun, low-hanging fruit when it comes to beverages: It’s one of the easiest flavors to get right. But unlike a White Claw, you can really taste the real lime juice in the Sprinter. My best palate comparison for this brand would be to Spindrift sparkling waters, which are also made with real juice and obviously no added sugar. I was, however, not so taken with the grapefruit Sprinter. Grapefruit is one of my very favorite foods—I love things that are so sour and acidic that they feel punishing—so I’m highly critical. But the juice-to-vodka-to-water ratio is slightly off, leaving it with a basic, forgettable flavor.
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Finally, there’s the black cherry Sprinter, which I just brewed this morning at 11 a.m. after realizing I had neglected it the previous night. Don’t be alarmed: I had a single sip and stored the remainder in my refrigerator! Black cherry is the primary White Claw flavor, and Sprinter seems to have outshone their competition. This version is tangy, mildly sweet, and features a clear cherry flavor that doesn’t cling to your palate like artificial cherry additives, reminding of a cough syrup. Compared to the much loved, famous White Claw variety, which I find artificial and dull, Sprinter undoubtedly triumphs.
Despite my fondness for Sprinter, I am even more captivated by its packaging. The phrase ‘sprint to the good times’ is printed on the rear of the can, which feels somewhat unsuitable for an alcoholic beverage—even a low-alcohol one! Yet, I can overlook this due to the engaging description below it. “Meet Sprinter: a spirited and fruity combination of real fruit juice, high-grade vodka, and carbonated water,” as mentioned on the can. It seems that Kylie Jenner and the Sprinter team need not follow AP style conventions, hence the lower case “A” following the colon. “Your new main squeeze. The perfect company for your fun moments. Your go-to drink for every occasion.”
Our beloved Coleman with his selection of Sprinter cans.
Maybe I’m an easy mark, and perhaps the Kardashian-Jenner family is wickedly good at keeping their talons stuck in my spleen, but I find that utterly delightful. It’s saucy and brash! Suddenly, “obviously no added sugar” makes a little more sense. It’s a playful rib, not a harsh chide. Sprinter is silly and unserious; it sort of has to be as a Kylie Jenner passion project. At least she knows exactly what people want from America’s royal family, which is to be in on the joke. Crafting a tasty drink is nice, but doing it with a little self-awareness will shoot you into the stratosphere, and Jenner has crafted her shooting star-branded beverage for the ride.
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