Dear Amy: A Troubled Mother-Daughter Relationship

In today’s post, we’ll be discussing a complex and challenging mother-daughter relationship. This story touches upon themes of mental illness, estrangement, guilt, and compassion. Let’s dive in.

Unmothered, a woman in her 50s, opens up about her 82-year-old mother’s undiagnosed mental illness, which manifests as narcissism, paranoia, delusions, and abusive behavior. Since Unmothered’s teenage years, her mother has caused long periods of estrangement, missing significant milestones such as her wedding and the births of her children. Unmothered’s father divorced her mother when she was just eight years old.

Despite her mother’s difficult behavior, Unmothered acknowledges that there are also better periods when her mother shows kindness and charm. This has led Unmothered to reconcile with her mother whenever she reaches out, even throughout the pandemic. She has taken care of her, accompanied her to doctor’s appointments, and helped her through various problems.

However, last year, Unmothered’s decision to not return her mother’s call during a Mother’s Day service led to a series of hostile and abusive voicemails. Fed up with her mother’s behavior, Unmothered ended their relationship, explaining in a heartfelt letter that the only way she would consider reconciliation is if her mother sought psychiatric help. Unmothered subsequently blocked her mother’s calls, but she can still leave voicemails.

Now, Unmothered finds herself listening to these long, self-aggrandizing, and verbally abusive messages. While she has not returned any of the calls, they leave her feeling awful. She contemplates changing her phone number but struggles with the guilt of leaving her mother, a frail, bitter, and lonely old woman, without any outlet. Unmothered’s therapist believes she has fulfilled her obligations as a daughter and can let go without guilt, but the guilt and sadness persist.

Unmothered seeks advice on how to navigate this challenging situation. Amy acknowledges the therapist’s perspective but highlights the importance of acknowledging and processing difficult emotions within family relationships. She emphasizes the need for compassion towards oneself and encourages Unmothered to view her choices as a natural response to an unstable mother with untreated mental illness.

In a different discussion, Amy addresses an entirely different topic – a lighter one involving social etiquette. A reader named Vino Lover asks if she should have requested the return of a bottle of wine she brought to a gathering where alcohol wasn’t being served. Amy swiftly dismisses this concern, labeling it as petty. She assures Vino Lover that what happens to the wine next is up to the hosts, and if she were to invite them to her own dinner, the bottle might be returned as a host-gift.

To wrap up, Amy expresses gratitude for the positive feedback she received regarding her response to a teenager who worried about their lack of sexual experience. She reminds readers that sexual experiences vary among teenagers, with roughly half reporting having sex and the other half not.

That concludes today’s blog post. Join us again for more interesting discussions and advice from Amy.

Hey guys!

I just wanted to take a moment to address something that I think a lot of us can relate to – the worries and concerns that come with being a teenager. It’s a tough time in life, no doubt about it. But I recently came across a letter that really struck a chord with me, because it reminded me so much of my own teenage years.

The letter was written by a young girl who was feeling overwhelmed by all the pressure and uncertainties that come with growing up. And while reading her words, I couldn’t help but think back to all the times when I felt the exact same way.

I want to thank all of you who took the time to reach out and reassure this girl that she is not alone in her struggles. It’s so important to remember that we are all in this together, and that we can support each other through the tough times.

I also want to emphasize that, although things may seem difficult and confusing in the moment, they have a way of working themselves out with time. It’s easy to get caught up in the present and lose sight of the bigger picture. But trust me, as someone who has been there, I can tell you that things do get better.

To the girl who wrote that letter – hang in there. I know it’s tough, but keep pushing forward and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. You are not alone, and there are people out there who care about you and want to support you.

If any of you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You can email me at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also find me on Twitter @askingamy and Facebook.

Remember, we’re all in this together, and together we can make it through anything.

Take care,

Amy