WAKING with a jolt, my head and heart thumping, I had no idea where I was or any recollection of the night before. This feeling had become my new ‘normal,’ a terrifying reality brought on by the vodka and wine I consumed the day prior.
Drinking seven bottles of vodka a week had become routine for me at the height of my addiction, but I remained oblivious. What started as enjoyable nights with friends morphed into a chaotic lifestyle marked by blackouts, unexplained bruises, and apologies to friends for drunken behavior. I thought this was merely the cost of a good night out, especially as a sociable 25-year-old living in London. Yet, I failed to see how abnormal and spiraling my drinking had become.
Looking back, it was evident that the signs of my alcoholism were always present. My relationship with alcohol began with my first sip of Hooch at 15; I had always drunk to achieve a good buzz. During university, I thought I was mastering the art of partying, and once I entered the workforce, heavy drinking became commonplace.
British women are among the world’s highest female binge drinkers, according to a 2023 OECD report, revealing that 26% consume six or more drinks in a single sitting at least once a month. By my early twenties, I often drank far beyond that benchmark.
Dating life suffered due to my drinking; I would indulge to ease my nerves, leading many partners to describe my drunken episodes as “a nightmare.” I didn’t realize I was using alcohol to cope with any emotion—joy, sadness, or anxiety. After a severe assault while abroad at 28, I leaned on drinking to cope, marking a gradual decline in my relationship with alcohol.
As my drinking escalated, I opted to stay in with boxes of wine rather than risk embarrassment on nights out. My hangovers spiraled into anxiety and panic attacks, and I often resorted to sneaking off to pubs during work hours to "normalize" the day.
Despite recognizing my problems, I still considered alcohol the solution to my disarray. The tipping point came when I began to wake up with the shakes. Hopelessly addicted, I resorted to carrying vodka in water bottles to stave off withdrawal symptoms. My situation worsened, and I lost my job due to being drunk at work.
Things climaxed when my mother found me unresponsive at home, leading to a hospital stay where I received treatment for withdrawal. Acknowledging my addiction, I sought help from a local support group and attended AA meetings. However, my struggle persisted; I would momentarily quit drinking, only to relapse again.
Gradually, chaos unfolded further into my life. I would drink alone for days, often ending up in massive arguments with my family. I knew I needed to change. One day, I broke down—though still under the influence—and decided to seek help.
In three days, I began my stay at a rehab facility in Bournemouth, supported by my family. The first week was agonizing with withdrawal symptoms, but as time passed, I felt clarity. Through therapy, I confronted the unhealthy relationship I had with alcohol.
After six months in rehab, I emerged sober and grateful for the chance at a new life. I realized that if I had continued my path, I could have become another statistic in the rising number of women dying from alcohol-related liver disease.
Ten years have since passed, and while recovery hasn’t always been easy, it has been profoundly rewarding. I navigated ‘sober firsts’ and used the tools I gained to maintain my sobriety. Remembering the fear stemming from blackouts has reinforced my resolve; the relief of waking up without that dread feels like a victory.
Life has dramatically improved since I embraced sobriety. Relationships that once dissolved due to my alcoholism have been repaired, and I now enjoy sober dating—something drunk me wouldn’t have imagined. I’ve learned that confronting my emotions without alcohol is challenging, but it’s a far healthier existence. I can confidently say now that I don’t miss alcohol at all—escaping that toxic relationship only proved how much better off I am without it.
If you’re concerned about your drinking or someone else’s, a good first step is to see a GP. They can discuss services and treatments available. For help, you can contact:
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